Great Expectations

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Do u have expectations of your child? Expectations to meet certain levels of development, or expectations of certain set behavior?

I think it is always good to boost your child’s confidence by telling them that you believe that they will be able to attain certain goals. Setting too low expectations may not be a good thing either, as we will find that our kids give up easily when the going gets tough.

Nonetheless, we often need to reflect if these goals are even attainable at their age or developmental levels.

Recently, at a mall’s craft area with Kyle, I overheard this conversation a mom had with her son.

 

Mom of boy : Why don’t you take this and try to make it?

Boy : It looks like it is for bigger boys.

Mom of boy : Let’s get it and you can try to make it while mummy go shopping

Boy : Mummy, it looks very difficult to make

Mom of boy : U can just look at the instructions to make it. 你可以的。

Boy : 真的不可以,很难. Mummy I really cannot do it, I am not so smart, you know.

Mom of boy : You can do it, 可以的. Mummy believe in you.

Then the mom took off and left the boy alone at the craft corner.

 

First impressions; the mom seemed like a supportive parent, encouraging her son to try making the craft. Then when I took a quick glance at what was on the table, I realised that he had one of those china-made styrofoam model planes with unlabeled parts. The boy look like he was barely 6 years old, and the activity that he was attempting did not seem to be developmentally appropriate for a 6 year old boy.

For the next 5 minutes, the boy sounded rather frustrated and repeated, “Cannot leh, not the right one….Auntie (the lady manning the craft corner), how to do, I don’t know how to put this…how like that…” While the lady at manning the craft corner kept telling him that she didn’t know how to fix it either and there was no sample for him to follow.

Kyle then completed his craft, walked up and passed it to the lady to pop the craft into the toaster for a quick dry. He stood near the table where the boy was seated, the boy looked at his craft and said, “Wow, robot. How do you do it, I want to do also.” Then he looked at the parts of styrofoam of the aeroplane on his table and told Kyle, “Ok, I compete with you to make this aeroplane, you dare or you don’t dare to compete with me!”

Kyle was rather taken back to have heard this response from the boy but he answered meekly,”Ok lah.”

 

Few conclusions after these observations;

  • The boy’s mom could have taken the time to explore the item with her son, instead of thinking that this craft corner will be a good child-minding place. She might have discovered that the model aeroplane kit was not developmentally appropriate for her child, and would have encountered his frustrated attempts to fix it together. Maybe she overlooked the level of difficulty in making the model aeroplane and then assume that if she can do it, her son will be able to as well.

  • His response to Kyle could likely give an indication that by daring him to compete, could reflect a sense of how difficult the activity that he was working on.

  • On a totally unrelated note, I don’t agree with leaving a 6 year old child in a craft area in the mall all by himself. Call me paranoid, after the recent hype about alleged kidnap attempts at our local malls, I can picture this baddie coming along with chloroform in a cloth to sedate the child, and then carry the child away without a struggle.

As parents, we need to careful not to set unrealistic expectations for our kids. Children need a level of achievement to strive for, so when success is attained, self esteem increases. However when the reverse happens, the child’s confidence might be undermined. Read this about self esteem in children.

All parents have hopes for their children. Hopes for our children to fulfill our expectations of success. Maybe even hopes that our child will be that first in the family to obtain a scholarship, be that first doctor, lawyer or national sportsman/woman.

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So do I agree with this quote? Not fully, as like most asian parents, I believe that communicating high expectations to children is one way we can encourage our children to have more confidence in their abilities, self-esteem, and set higher standards for themselves.

Nonetheless, having observe that from another mom and child, I am reminded that I tend to overlook my expectations of my child at times. There needs to be a balance; too much expectations can be a baggage, in some cases, even negative, as children may get the message that they are always not good enough.

Expectations should be a reflection of my child’s interest and abilities, and not of my own interests. It should never consist of the hopes that my child will be able to live out the dreams that I may have missed along the way.

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For more random thoughts on ‘Observation in Social Psychology’, refer to these posts; Playground Police Lessons from the playground

 

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Can perspectives be rationalised?

This week, I have encountered many situations which have taught me that not all perspectives that I adopt can be rationalised. But in certain instances, rationalising does provide some solutions to the challenges that I face constantly or in the areas of parenting a 5 year old.

About Complaints

I am into Day 3 of no complaints. It was a struggle when I first started, but I realised the key to stop complaining is to start seeing complaints rationally. Before I sense a complaint rising, I try to identify if the problem is an irritation or an issue. By identifying this difference helps me to calm down and decide logically, if this is a problem, what are the solutions. And if this is just an irritation, I know that I have to be more flexible, patient and willing to extend grace to the person or the situation.

This has helped me to be less highly strung, more positive for the past 3 days and this experiment has been proven useful in changing my attitude towards people and situations. I cannot tell if I will continue to keep this up, but I think half the battle is won when I am able to rationalise my emotions.

So I have learnt that rationalising the root of complaints will prevent complaints from recurring.

 

About Failure and Personal Setbacks

Every once in a while, life may throw curve balls at you. Since January, I have been looking for a full-time job, thinking that it will be able to solve the financial issues for the family. In these 3 months, many doors opened but shut very quickly which left me feeling really defeated.

Instead of allowing failure, self-doubt and condemnation to knock me down, I will not allow these things to hold me back and stay down. I have learnt that life is not about avoiding failures and being perfect. It’s about accepting my weaknesses and becoming more dependent on God’s perfect love and His power at work in us.

Instead of being concerned about where the next dollar is coming in, God has been very faithful in providing through my hb, as we have been able to pay bills and loans with some money left over at the end of each month. Many other unexpected doors have opened this last week, opportunities that I did not expect, opportunities that will allow me to keep my WAHM status. At this moment, I am still not certain where these new opportunities will bring me, but I know I will be heading the right direction as long as I follow His lead.

Can I rationalise failure? I think so, as failure might even be the very thing that stretched me to do more than I think I can and push me to try other methods of doing things when one way doesn’t work. Failure can be hurtful, but it can also be beneficial to build resilience and faith.

As for faith, can one rationalise faith? I can but only to myself, as I believe because I want to and proof comes in the many instances that God has pulled me out of deep holes and shown His existence in my personal experiences.

 

About Life and Death

This is something that Kyle and I rarely talk about since we have not encountered this topic until Monday this week. An extended member of the family passed away on Monday; a great great grandfather from the maternal side of the family whom Kyle has never met.

I approached this subject rather gingerly, but ended rationalising the concept of death as he had little emotional ties with this late extended family member. So, I wasn’t too sensitive about it, when I used an analogy of a piece of fresh chicken being left in the outside to go bad, when he questioned the need for preserving the body.

Apart from that insensitive comparison, I explain why there is a need for funerals, as it is a way to bring closure to friends and family involved, while at the same time, honouring the person who has died. So he did not feel fear or apprehension when we were at the funeral, and it helped when he saw smiling relatives at the funeral. But I do need to revisit this topic again, more sensitively the next time, with the help of picture books.

A reminder to self, the concept of death can still be rationalised with a 5 year old in this instance, but it needs to be taken with more sensitivity.

 

About Fear

 

I discovered that fear can spread so quickly amongst moms when our kids safety is being threatened. Our maternal instincts just want to sound the alarm amongst other moms in network to remind them to be vigilant, and watchful of our kids when we are in public places. Some of us get indignant by the lack of precautionary measures by the government, some blame the influx of foreigners, while others get irate how the media takes the situation so lightly.

Instead of trying to change these things that are beyond our control, how about taking control of the situation ourselves and educate our kids? Education is the best defense for a problem of this sort. If teaching your child about the perils of stranger danger is not effective (especially if the child is under 2), watch your kid like a hawk and never let them out of your sight in public places. Or you could simply ignore disapproving looks from other moms by putting your child on a child-leash.

Most men tend to think more rationally when it comes to a problem that needs a solution, do read here to get a father’s perspective. Winston from Blogfathers.sg has incorporated some good ideas in his blog.

So fear can be rationalised in this scenario. Only then one can find solutions to address it.

 

From this post, u can probably get a glimpse that I am one that thinks too much into things, tend to be more of a rational thinker, than a feeling or sensing thinker. I will make a bad counselor, as I would only want to provide solutions, when sometimes all people want is a listening ear.

I used to dislike personality theories and tests, when taking my psychology minor in the University, as there were too many generalisations and stereotypes created with these tests. However, while writing this post, I realised that each of us will have differing perspectives and varying responses to situations that reflect certain traits of our personality.

So in line with developing stereotypes, I can probably say that I think more like a man (rational, often insensitive), than a woman. If u wish to find out what personality stereotypes you fall into, check this out – Myer Briggs personality test.

I am a INTJ! Do share with me what is your personality type if you have tried out the test.

 

 

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Experiment No.1 : How to not complain for 14 days

This experiment is to see how long I am able to go without any complaint, negativity or criticisms on someone else. The target is 14 days, that is 2 whole weeks of no whining, griping or non-constructive criticisms of any kind.

 

14 days without a complaint can be quite a long time for an accomplished complainer like me, so I will share the experiment logs on separate posts to track how long I will take before I can successfully complete 14 days without a single complaint.

Here is the method I will use –

1. I usually wear my wedding ring on my left finger (you can use other items like a bracelet or a rubber band worn on either hand)

2. So each time when I complain, I have to switch my wedding ring to the right finger. And then start all over again at Day 1.

3. If I successfully end a day without a complain, I can go on to Day 2, then Day 3. And so on.

4. However, reprimanding Kyle for bad behaviour, or sharing about his misbehaviour with hb, does not constitute a complaint. As life still needs to go as a parent of a 5 year old.

5. The target is 14 days. I really wonder how many days I will take before I can successfully have 14 days of no complaints!

 

Experiment log –

Thursday, 15th March 2011

This is the first day of the experiment and it started off really well as Kyle and I was on my way to meet a friend and her child for lunch and a playdate. We got on the PIE and traffic was smooth, until I changed lane and had to follow behind another car. The complaint came in the form of, "Come on, don‘t stay on the 3rd lane if you are so slow! You are road hogging!"

 

Friday, 16th March 2011

Back to Day 1 of the experiment. Was again driving to meet a friend for lunch, again I failed terribly. There was a traffic congested on PIE and hardly anyone on the 1st lane wanted to give way to my vehicle when I tried filtering onto the expressway. I got frustrated and muttered, "Please! Will it kill you to just give way to me, Singaporean drivers are so selfish!"

I really should not drive when I am running this experiment.

 

Saturday, 17th March 2011

Day 1 again. Its Kyle‘s birthday and we were preparing to go out for lunch and watch the movie The Lorax. When I was all ready to go, hb looked at what I was wearing and started making a comment on the print of my blouse. As his comment bugged me, I decided to change. But I was silently griping about what bad taste in clothing hb has and his choice in his own clothing.

Oh boy, this is becoming challenging, I need to watch my thoughts as well…silent gripes are also complaints.

Will have to start all over again this morning for Sunday 18th March. I really need to be on alert in regards my attitude and watch my mouth during this experiment. I will be putting up experiment logs as I continue this experiment.

If you would like to join me to do this experiment, do drop me a comment here. It will be nice to have companions for this experiment. 

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