Not so fantastic 4

March 22, 2011 · By ·

These days, I have been neglecting this space. It's getting harder to find time to structure a post that is worth reading, that will not bore me, besides I don't want to just use this space for regular ranting. Not that I have plenty to gripe about at this point of my life, but so many things are happening, so fast that it is hard to even keep up and jot them all down.

Things are going well as a parent, despite being woken up at least once a night by Kyle coming into my room, whose complaints will usually revolve around how warm or cold he feels in the room. Somehow upon turning 4, the boy seem to have morphed into this clingy, whiney, sticky child, totally out of character. He surprised me last week by whining "Mommy…Mommy…" and then clinging onto my leg, refusing to let go. Despite spending the whole week (March school vacation) in the mornings with him, bringing him along to run errands, and having our favourite Japanese lunches. Could it be that there are some emotional issues not being met, despite spending time with him? Maybe. Or he could just be going through some phase and exhibiting some behaviour that stems from his demanding little self.

At other times, he just turns into this toilet-humour loving and boisterous almost 5 year old kid :( 

Just last Sunday, he started laughing loudly and hysterically when hb said something humourous to him. Then when hb said something teasingly to me, he joined in and laughed hysterically at me. He loves toliet humour these days and finds all sorts of 'toilet talk' extremely funny. I just exclaimed to hb that our son is not cute anymore. I always have this fear that when he loses all his pre-schooler cuteness, he will be that loud and annoying kid that only his parents will like :(

'Bi-polar 4'…I don't really like u very much right now.

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Categorized: His World, Parenting ·

Moments like these

March 8, 2011 · By ·

0207-01re

Went for K's bonding day at school this morning. I appreciated this opportunity to be able to see him in a group setting, at a place that he spends so much time at on a daily basis and meeting the friends that he often talks about. It was a good experience, as I got a glimpse of certain dynamics within the class and realised who he has learnt some of the words that I have been hearing alot of lately (not too pleasant ones).

For K's school, bonding day generally happens once a quarter, where one parent is invited to spend an hour with their child in school. Parents get to watch what goes on in class and then the teachers will invite the parent and the child to do craftwork together. I think this is a good opportunity especially for parents who work full time, just to see how their child is managing in the school, as well as give them the chance to do a craft together.

From attending today's bonding session, one thing that strongly striked me today was the behaviour of 4 other kids that did not have their mom/dad/guardian with them. It started when the parents and the kids were divided into their respective groups to start their craft, while the teachers accompanied the kids who did not have their parents with them.

All of a sudden, I heard the cries of a little girl who started bawling very loudly. Her cries sounded so sad (somehow it is quite easy to tell the difference between cries of pain, anger, fear or sadness). And I overheard her say amid her tears, "My mummy is not here." When I heard that, I felt so sad for her. From a child's perspectve, watching your friends proudly holding their moms hands, walking together to their respective seats, must have been a longing sight for her :(

The teachers comforted her and was able to focus her attention on the craft after a while, and I turned my attention back to K who was already happily threading the coloured marcaroni into the wire for the wind chime that he was working on…

Fast forward to the wrap up of the session, when the kids sang their goodbye song and the teacher dismissed the kids. While most of the kids walked towards their parents and got ready to leave the classroom, we were disrupted by another sobbing child who said, "I want to leave now…" It turned out to be one of K's friends that he usually plays with in school, who did not have his mom/dad with him. I encouraged K to comfort his friend and tell the latter not to be sad. K's teacher turned to me and commented with a sigh, "I already told these moms to come and accompany their kids just for an hour today, which will mean so much to them, but they are busy or just don't have the time…"

Times like this, I put myself in this child's shoes and can understand the sadness and longing they feel, when they see their friends' with their parents, enjoying the session together :(  When I was at K's age, I used to cry like crazy whenever my dad dropped my mom off at her workplace each morning. I can still strangely recall the emotion that I felt at that moment, (despite knowing that I will see my mom again that evening after she returned from work) was somehow very sad and there was a certain sense of loss. Despite being a working mom, my mom had always put her kids and family first, not putting in long hours at work and always spending the evenings, weekends and making a point to attend any school event or activity.

When I told hb what occured in school today, I got a very logical perspective from him. He said that sometimes some of these parents are just struggling to make ends meet, and not all have a comfy desk job or understanding employers. I agreed with his perpective, however at the same time, wondered if it is that much of a challenge to take half a day out of the 14 days of leave that most working parents have, just to spend that 2 hours with your child? Maybe reserving the leave for a holiday, or possibly days when the child is sick when the child really needs the parent, is considered a priority versus spending that short time at school with their child.

Working parents do have a greater challenge when it comes to managing their time with their children. Afterall I was once a full time working parent with a regional job, and travelling at least a couple of times of month was part of the job scope. It became a struggle for me to manage it all, when I realised that I was missing so much from being part of his growing up process;  being there to witness most of his milestones, as well as being there to share that little moments of joy and sadness.

Sometimes, we do need to take a step back to think about what being a parent truly entails. Apart from being that provider, we need to be that pillar of support, that person that our children know that they can always rely on when they need a word of encouragement, a comforter when they experience sadness and the friend that they can share their joy with.

What may seem trivial to us, might mean so much to them. Especially so during their preschool years, our presence and time mean so much to them. What matters to them now, should also mean something for us. I don't want to wait till my kid turns 12, and then realise that so much time was lost and take more effort to spend more time with him. By then when the child reaches that age, most will usually prefer that their parents are not around to bug them so much.

I need to constantly remind myself to treasure these moments with my child. Work can always wait (afterall, too much of it tends to make me this grumpy, irritable mom who becomes less patient with my child's naunces). Work is definitely important to bring in the dough, but it cannot take priority over moments like these.

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Shaping his will

January 25, 2011 · By ·

If I had one wish for the year 2011, my wish will be that I learn to be a better parent this year.

The boy is growing up too fast; talking back a little more often these days and starting to challenge the rules at home. I hardly use the cane these days, but will revoke his priviledges whenever he crosses his boundaries. Getting him to sit and face the door will not work these days, as he has recently confessed to me, "Why don't you make me face the door? I like it."

Every other parent around me seem to be the lucky ones with compliant children, at least it feels that way, when I am worn out at the end of the week after battling with the boy during every meal/nap/bedtime. I have asked the question before, "Why is it that parenting my child always seem so difficult?" The answer I got from another mom was, "God gave you a child like that because He knew that you will be able to manage it with His strength."

Some wise words that I have read from Dr James Dobson;

"Ultimately, the key to competent parenthood is in being able to get behind the eyes of your child, seeing what he sees and feeling what he feels. When he is lonely, he needs your company. When he is defiant, he needs your help in controlling his impulses. When he is afraid, he needs the security of your embrace. When he is curious, he needs your patient instruction. When he is happy, he needs to share his laughter and joy with those he loves. Thus, the parent who intuitively comprehends his child's feelings is in a position to respond appropriately and meet the needs that are apparent. And at this point, raising healthy children becomes a highly developed art, requiring the greatest wisdom, patience, devotion and love that God has given to us."

Indeed, raising a child requires the greatest wisdom, patience and love that God has given us. Parenting often can be contest of wills, however I will not want to break his will or his spirit, but to shape it. Nonetheless, I still stick to my beliefs that controlled spanking does not break the spirit, especially when it addresses defiant behaviour, and often that is the most effective way when the boy has decided that a specific loss of priviledge is no major loss and he can live with it for the time being :( 

One way I believe to prevent heartbreaks as he grows older is to start shaping his will, especially spiritually. Children are not 'a blank slate' as proposed by the philosopher John Locke, who theorised that children only acquire knowledge at birth, in other words, with no specific temperaments, traits or characteristics. Which is generally a denial of human nature. So I try not to put all blame on genetic pool when it comes to his strong-willed and rebellious nature.

The issue of shaping my child's will have been a topic that has been very close to my heart. I don't think that any Christian parent should depend fully on the school (even if he attends a christian kindergarten) or the church (through Sunday School) to guide their child spiritually. Especially so, if wilful rebellion has dire eternal consequences. If my relationship and dependence on my Creator and Saviour is a major focus in my life, then it should be the same for my child.

Sure atheists will argue that I should be allowing my child choice of religion, but coming from people who have not experienced Christianity,  they will never discover that this is a relationship and not a religion. A relationship that gives you freedom from the bondage of life, world's expectations, an absolute assurance that my Saviour will carry me through life's storms and provide a triumphant life living through Him. No matter how bad things seem around us, He promises never to leave or forsake me, and that can be trusted fully with His track record in my life. And I live with the confidence to know where I will be after my journey in this life ends.

Why do I want to leave my child to be wondering how to manage this tiresome and complicated journey of life when the answer is crystal clear for me? My parenting goal this year is to focus on shaping my child's will to be aligned with God's will, as there's really nothing to lose but plenty to gain to depend on our Saviour who knows all the intimate details of our lives. And most likely knows us better than we know ourselves.

'Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.' – Luke 12:7

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