Thoughts at 34

September 19, 2010 · By ·

bday2010

Birthdays these days aren't that fun anymore. Especially since I am getting nearer to the wrong side of thirty and closer to being middle age :(

But instead of dwelling on how old I am getting, I should be counting my blessings, there is so much to be thankful for.

Life have never been the same since the day I decided to leave my job in the corporate world 2.5 years ago and stay at home for dh and Kyle. The journey has not been an easy one so far, I had to first deal with my own insecurities of not being financial independent and the fear of being irrelevant to society. I remembered saying a little prayer that I drove out from my office carpark the last day of work, telling God that I will let go of the full control in my life and told Him to take over.

Just like the millions of people out there in the world, I spent the bulk of my life trying to get God to do things my way and I often wondered why things don't often go the way I want them to go. Then I could not understand why I was getting so frustrated being at work despite working in an exciting, well-paid job and being well-liked by my bosses. I often asked myself, why am I getting no joy or satisfaction from my job? And I wondered, what is my true calling in life?

I finally came to a point where I was worn out managing my own life, worrying about every single aspect and detail that I can possibly think of. Giving up control is a hard thing to do. Taking that step many years ago to be a Christian, God expects me to let Him be in control of all my decisions, but I was not willing to ever let go of the reigns of control. I did not want anyone telling me what to do with my life, even when He is my Creator and Saviour. Jesus understands my reluctance to let God take control. I now understand when he said, "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." (Luke 9:24).

To most, it sounds extremely pathetic to come to the end of oneself and decide to give up control. Society place a high value of being independent, but seriously I think independence is overrated. The ephiphany that I realised from this was what may seem to be a loser's solution or a problem turned out to be my life's greatest opportunity.

How wrong can this decision be when I am giving Him total control of my life? He is all-seeing, all-knowing and I am certain He is one that has and will never make any mistakes. He knows my thoughts, what I want, what I need, he knows my weaknesses. He already knows the solution and outcome to everything.  

Since the day I made the choice to let God take over, things have miraculously worked out. Sure, I made stupid decisions along the way, went through plenty of rough spots, but somehow everything seemed to have worked out really well. Life just seemed to have turned around the moment He took over, and I cannot explain the unspeakable joy that fills my heart knowing and trusting that He is fully in charge of my life. How bad can it be? I don't need to fret about all the details, stay awake at night worrying about the outcome and I never need to be in doubt of my final destination.

34 is probably one of the best year in my life, but I know I ain't seen nothing yet!

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To bear fruit

August 28, 2010 · By ·

I don't live a perfect life.

In fact none of us in this world do. Neither am I that fabulous parent with a perfect child, who is always obedient and a dream to teach. Many times I think I move through this parenting journey through alot of trial and error. Often I fail to manage my child well and I know I have a challenging child who tests his limits all the time.

However I have no qualms sharing my challenges openly on this blog. I believe in being honest with myself, as well as with friends that read this blog. There are many parenting blogs that I have come across, that seem to portray such perfect children and the parent seems to be such 'enlightened' parents, knowing exactly what to do to nurture inquisitive and intelligent children, performing far ahead of their peers. It's all about the results, most will say. Being a good parent is all about setting your child to be a high performer and nurturing him/her for a life of success in their adult years. Some others advise, If you can't deliver good enough results, outsource it to the 'experts'.

Can the roles of parenting be outsourced to the experts? Maybe if it is possible, I believe some parents will surely consider this option. With the onset of conception, each parent is entrusted with a life to love, protect, guide and nurture. Contrary to what the world have programmed for most of us to think, a good parent is not just one who is able to develop an obedient child, or one who have succcessfully brought up an over-achiever to perform beyond the list of capabilities that the parent has set out for every stage of his/her life. If parents are being evaluated on these deliverables, I think many of us would have failed terribly in our role as a parent.

Whether we chose fulfill this role or not, all parents are the first teachers for their children, and I think every parent is more than capable to be that effective teacher. Don't let anyone discredit your ability. Just because the results are not ideal for that moment, it does not mean that a parent should throw in the towel and give up fulfilling their nurturing role. Don't let the world's negative standards get to you when they say that you are not doing well enough.

Parenting is rewarding, but it is also a hard and a testing journey at times. But I take heart in these trials. Not that I am a masochist and like to myself and others to be tortured. But I believe that each and every parent is entrusted with the child for the purpose of pruning our character. I know that I am being pruned to create fruit in my life. Pruning involves cutting and breaking of branches, that can hurt, but growth comes.

This pruning is done with tender care by the master gardener who knows what to do to produce the best crop, the best growth. I need God to shape me more and more to bear fruit of love, patience, peace and self-control.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me – 2 Corinthians 12:9

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Only start to appreciate it…

July 16, 2010 · By ·

when I don't have it.

I  have been taking my health for granted for the longest time. I start to forget that I am no more in my youthful twenties and my constituition is not as resilent as it was 10 years ago. All it took was about 2 months of staying up beyond 1 – 2 a.m continuously and I am down with an illness.

I have been having HFMD since Wednesday. I still can't really ascertain if I got it from K, since he only had a bout of flu, followed by an outbreak of rash on his arms and legs last week, which was not characteristic of HFMD. However he did have 2-3 strange spots on his palm as well as in his mouth. So maybe, he did have it, possibly a slight variation, which I unfortunately caught it from him and got the full works (all except the ulcers).

So it is not true that adults don't get HFMD. I have been thankfully spared from the ulcers in the mouth, however had plently of raised, itchy spots on my palms and fingers, as well as on my feet and the base on my feet. The most unbearable part has to be the pins and needles in my feet and hands (think perpetual cramp in feet and hands). It was so bad yesterday, that I could not walk without leaning on the walls and I could not get to sleep the whole of last night. 

I am very thankful that dh have been extremely supportive these couple of days and he have set aside all his work responsibilities to send K to school and get all the chinese herbs for me. And have a helper at home to cover all my duties of taking care of K.

I am into the third day of HFMD and I am on the road to recovery. The spots on the hands and feet have stopped spreading and the pins and needles in feet have become more bearable. Another 4 more days and I am over the home-quarantine…

I was so looking forward to this week's home-learning workshop but it has been cancelled due to this :(  I have also learnt the hard way and I will conciously get myself to bed before 1230am (will try really hard) and remind myself that work can wait for another day.

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