Escaping the mass

June 6, 2012 · By ·

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Only three shelves of books will be kept from this book shelf.

 

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Some vintage porcelain plates and cups in these drawers, and this white water jug will be given back to my mom.

 

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This sofa and coffee table has served us for a good 10 years, and I hope that it will be of good use for another family.

 

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This wooden divider and the shoe cabinets will be given away.

 

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A sturdy dining set which has served us so well the last 10 years, which I am sure will be really useful for a family.

I think by now, you might have realized that this is not a home decor, or a show and tell post on how my home looks like. If you are really curious, you can check out this post on the different areas in the house http://www.catch-fortywinks.com/category/home/

We have given away half my wardrobe of clothes, hb’s clothes to thrift shop to Salvation Army. Most of K’s toys were given to a Malay family that my parents are helping with for their church’s social concern’s ministry, and we are only keeping a couple of his favorite toys. We will be giving away K’s bed, my bed and whatever furniture that is left in the house to an organization, who will collect used furniture or appliances and gift them to less fortunate Malay families.

We are moving away from this temporary home, and this time, we have decided to move in to a room in my mom’s house, so as to reduce household expenses. I will not have a helper anymore either, as we cannot afford to pay for domestic help.

The decision to do this has been very painful, and the process is very difficult, but hb and I both know that this is necessary.

Maybe some of you may be thinking, “This must be a huge loss…”

Initially it was, and I was in tears for the first few days when we came to this decision, and I have not quite snapped out of my irritable mood the last few days.

It has been a very difficult process to have to separate all my stuff into piles of ‘things to give away,’ and ‘things that we can bring along with us to the new room’. Do I not hope that I will have our own home again? The truth is, I don’t really think so far ahead, as I get great support living with my mom and dad.

All I know is, my God will provide according to His perfect time.

After settling into our new room in my mom’s house the last two days, I realized that this is actually the most free-ing thing that I have ever done.

Why I am feeling unshackled rather than empty at the state I am in?

Here are some quotes from a book that I have found so apt for my situation at this moment, a book known as The Treasure Principle by Randy Alcorn;

‘It’s a matter of basic physics. The greater the mass, the greater the hold that mass exerts. The more things we own – the greater their total mass the more they grip us, setting us in orbit around them. Finally, like a black hole, they suck us in.’

More stuff, means more mass.

Now I have that chance to defy the hold that this mass has on me. The less mass, the less its gravitational pull, and the easier it is to escape.

Am I ready? I think I am. After all, I have moved ahead with 95% less baggage than what we used to have.

 

‘…we’re pilgrims, strangers, aliens on earth (Hebrews 11:13)…”Our citizenship is in heaven” (Philippians 3:20). We’re citizens of “a better country – a heavenly one” (Hebrews 11:16). Where we choose to store our treasures depends largely on where we think our home is (Matthew 6 :21)’   – Randy Alcorn

 

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Categorized: Home, Hope ·

Can perspectives be rationalised?

March 22, 2012 · By ·

This week, I have encountered many situations which have taught me that not all perspectives that I adopt can be rationalised. But in certain instances, rationalising does provide some solutions to the challenges that I face constantly or in the areas of parenting a 5 year old.

About Complaints

I am into Day 3 of no complaints. It was a struggle when I first started, but I realised the key to stop complaining is to start seeing complaints rationally. Before I sense a complaint rising, I try to identify if the problem is an irritation or an issue. By identifying this difference helps me to calm down and decide logically, if this is a problem, what are the solutions. And if this is just an irritation, I know that I have to be more flexible, patient and willing to extend grace to the person or the situation.

This has helped me to be less highly strung, more positive for the past 3 days and this experiment has been proven useful in changing my attitude towards people and situations. I cannot tell if I will continue to keep this up, but I think half the battle is won when I am able to rationalise my emotions.

So I have learnt that rationalising the root of complaints will prevent complaints from recurring.

 

About Failure and Personal Setbacks

Every once in a while, life may throw curve balls at you. Since January, I have been looking for a full-time job, thinking that it will be able to solve the financial issues for the family. In these 3 months, many doors opened but shut very quickly which left me feeling really defeated.

Instead of allowing failure, self-doubt and condemnation to knock me down, I will not allow these things to hold me back and stay down. I have learnt that life is not about avoiding failures and being perfect. It’s about accepting my weaknesses and becoming more dependent on God’s perfect love and His power at work in us.

Instead of being concerned about where the next dollar is coming in, God has been very faithful in providing through my hb, as we have been able to pay bills and loans with some money left over at the end of each month. Many other unexpected doors have opened this last week, opportunities that I did not expect, opportunities that will allow me to keep my WAHM status. At this moment, I am still not certain where these new opportunities will bring me, but I know I will be heading the right direction as long as I follow His lead.

Can I rationalise failure? I think so, as failure might even be the very thing that stretched me to do more than I think I can and push me to try other methods of doing things when one way doesn’t work. Failure can be hurtful, but it can also be beneficial to build resilience and faith.

As for faith, can one rationalise faith? I can but only to myself, as I believe because I want to and proof comes in the many instances that God has pulled me out of deep holes and shown His existence in my personal experiences.

 

About Life and Death

This is something that Kyle and I rarely talk about since we have not encountered this topic until Monday this week. An extended member of the family passed away on Monday; a great great grandfather from the maternal side of the family whom Kyle has never met.

I approached this subject rather gingerly, but ended rationalising the concept of death as he had little emotional ties with this late extended family member. So, I wasn’t too sensitive about it, when I used an analogy of a piece of fresh chicken being left in the outside to go bad, when he questioned the need for preserving the body.

Apart from that insensitive comparison, I explain why there is a need for funerals, as it is a way to bring closure to friends and family involved, while at the same time, honouring the person who has died. So he did not feel fear or apprehension when we were at the funeral, and it helped when he saw smiling relatives at the funeral. But I do need to revisit this topic again, more sensitively the next time, with the help of picture books.

A reminder to self, the concept of death can still be rationalised with a 5 year old in this instance, but it needs to be taken with more sensitivity.

 

About Fear

 

I discovered that fear can spread so quickly amongst moms when our kids safety is being threatened. Our maternal instincts just want to sound the alarm amongst other moms in network to remind them to be vigilant, and watchful of our kids when we are in public places. Some of us get indignant by the lack of precautionary measures by the government, some blame the influx of foreigners, while others get irate how the media takes the situation so lightly.

Instead of trying to change these things that are beyond our control, how about taking control of the situation ourselves and educate our kids? Education is the best defense for a problem of this sort. If teaching your child about the perils of stranger danger is not effective (especially if the child is under 2), watch your kid like a hawk and never let them out of your sight in public places. Or you could simply ignore disapproving looks from other moms by putting your child on a child-leash.

Most men tend to think more rationally when it comes to a problem that needs a solution, do read here to get a father’s perspective. Winston from Blogfathers.sg has incorporated some good ideas in his blog.

So fear can be rationalised in this scenario. Only then one can find solutions to address it.

 

From this post, u can probably get a glimpse that I am one that thinks too much into things, tend to be more of a rational thinker, than a feeling or sensing thinker. I will make a bad counselor, as I would only want to provide solutions, when sometimes all people want is a listening ear.

I used to dislike personality theories and tests, when taking my psychology minor in the University, as there were too many generalisations and stereotypes created with these tests. However, while writing this post, I realised that each of us will have differing perspectives and varying responses to situations that reflect certain traits of our personality.

So in line with developing stereotypes, I can probably say that I think more like a man (rational, often insensitive), than a woman. If u wish to find out what personality stereotypes you fall into, check this out – Myer Briggs personality test.

I am a INTJ! Do share with me what is your personality type if you have tried out the test.

 

 

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We are not so different

March 14, 2012 · By ·

I met Rosa last Thursday.

And Kyle met David at the pool at Nana’s apartment. She was a friendly lady and I started a conversation with her, while we watched the boys play together in the children’s pool.

From our conversation, I found out that Rosa is a Korean and she is only here for a month to visit her hb who is a civil engineer working on the SMRT Downtown line. Rosa stays in Vancouver with her 2 other daughters and her MIL, and she only gets to spend some time with her hb thrice a year. Her hb’s job stints only last 3 to 4 years, and her family used to move from country to country with him.

After speaking to her for almost an hour, I asked if she would want to meet me this week to go out together, so that the boys can spend some time together. It was my first time doing something like that with a mom that I perceived to be a little different, as she was of a different nationality and age. I felt a little jittery that I will end up embarrassing myself for asking. But I felt compelled to ask her, when I found out she has no friends here, and while her hb is works in the day, she has been taking the bus on some days with David explore some place in Singapore. 

She was rather surprised when I asked, but told me that she would really like it. We exchanged mobile numbers, and her sms to me that evening after we parted ways was, "It was nice talking to u and thank you so much for your kindness."

I was rather surprised to have read that from the SMS, nevertheless, I was glad to see her appreciation. I was heartened that this first attempt at being slightly more thick-skinned than usual, to be willing to inconvenience my schedule a little for the week, and be a friend to someone I barely knew, seem to started on a positive note.

So Kyle and I met David and Rosa this morning, I brought them to Suntec City to check out the new play area and the boys had a great time.

Rosa and I chatted during lunch and shared about our lives, while the boys kept themselves occupied in the play room.

Then I realised that we are not so different after all.

Despite some cultural differences; she eats rice and sweet potatoes for breakfast, and then rice for  lunch and dinner, and must have Kim Chee at every meal. We shared some similarities towards some of our priorities in life.

I found out that as she moved around so much with her hb the last 20 years that all her kids are born in different countries, David in Vancouver, her teenage daughter in Kuwait and the oldest child who is of college age, is born in Korea. She became so tired moving around that she decided that she needed to give her kids some permanence in a home where they could grow up secure and build friendships. So 6 years ago, she made the choice to get a PR in Vancouver, and not return to Korea, for the sake of her kids.

It was a brave move. But it didn’t matter that she had to build a new life in a new country, learn a new language, get a new English name for herself and make new friends. Making these changes have been worthwhile. Her two daughters are now well adjusted and have a good education in Vancouver.

She expressed surprise that a mom who was 8 years younger than she is and someone who is of different culture will have so much similarities in our attitudes towards life. I told her that ultimately, we want the best for our children and our families. Sometimes we need to take the brave step to make a choice in our lives, a choice that might shake the security in our lives a little. Changes that require some sacrifices on our own lives and dreams, but it gets all worthwhile when we see that our children are secure and well adjusted.

I encouraged her that she needed to start thinking a little more about her own life, since David is growing up, and soon she would have more time on her hands. Consider taking classes in recreational centres in Vancouver, learn how to use the internet, maybe starting a blog and meet like-minded moms through online communities, or join a church fellowship group. Maybe even starting a hobby to cultivate an interest, or pursue a passion that can fuel a new business idea.

Although we make these sacrifices along the way, does not mean that our aspirations for our kids take over and there is no place for our own. Our aspirations do not die, instead, dreams only get re-aligned, particularly when we meet certain crossroads or life challenges.

All it needs is that different set of lens to perceive our lives, and each change that we encounter simply means that it opens up a whole lot of new possibilities for us.

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