Matters of the heart

I recently picked up this book 'Shepherding a Child's Heart' again from Ted Tripp after my first attempt of reading the book two years ago when Kyle was still a toddler.

There were so many truths in the book that I found so applicable especially since I have been hearing alot of this of late, "Kyle is so naughty, you have better start to discipline him!" from my mom about Kyle's behaviour these days. And out of my frustration of hearing this comment repeatedly like a broken recorder, my retort to her will be, "Keith and I always discipline him when he misbehaves, what do you expect us to do, whip him to shape?"

Hb and I are not laxed when it comes to disciplining Kyle each time he misbehaves. As Kyle is growing older and developing his own preferences and will, he is getting more defiant and will challenge and question our authority. Mr. Cane makes his appearance when Kyle is wilfully disobedient, and most of the time, we will choose to use the natural consequences of his misbehaviour for him to learn from. This  will be coupled with a stern reprimand, which never fails to reduce the boy to tears.

Most parents focus on the externals of behaviour and believe that having a quiet and well-behaved child is a worthy goal to achieve in parenting. I remembered an anecdote I heard from a friend many years ago who told me about a comment their primary school going child once made; "Teacher told me to stand at my seat to punish me for talking too loudly to my friend during class. I just did it since it is a punishment, but in my heart I am still sitting down comfortably at my seat."  

The point is, like most parents, we are sidetracked by our child's behaviour and we neglect the heart.

Quoting excerpts from the book;

'Parents tend to focus on the externals of behaviour rather than the internal overflow of the heart. We tend to worry more about the "what" of behaviour than the "why". Accordingly, most of us spend an enormous amount of energy in controlling and constraining behaviour. To the degree and extent to which our focus is on behaviour, we miss the heart.'

"If the goal of parenting is no more profound than securing appropriate behaviour, we will never help our children understand the internal things, the heart issues, the push and pull behaviour. Those internal issues of: self, love. rebellion, anger, bitterness, envy, and pride of the heart show our chidlren how profoundly they need grace…When we miss the heart, we miss the glory of God."

I found myself agreeing with alot of points that Ted Tripp brought up in the book, here is another excerpt which I felt contained so much truth;

Some succumb to the pressue to raise well behaved kids…we know that these skills are necessary to be successful in our world. It pleases us to see social graces in our children…Yet, having well-behaved children is not a worthy goal. It is a great secondary benefit of biblical childrearing, but an unworthy goal in itself. You cannot respond to your children to please someone else. The temptations to do so are numerous…Stabbed by their daggers of disapproval, you felt the need to correct him for the sake of others. If you acquiesce, your parenting focus becomes behaviour. This obscures dealing biblical with Junior's heart. The burning issue becomes what others think rather than what God thinks.'

'Parents conclude that good shaping influences will automatically produce good children…they forget that the child is never determined solely by the shaping influences of life. Proverbs 4:23 instructs you that the heart is the fountain which life flows. Your child heart's determines how he responds to your parenting.'

Ultimately, it is your child's heart that matters when it comes to parenting

Proverbs 4:23

Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life.

This book highlights the importance that parents need to understand what is going on in a child's heart. As the bible says that it is out of the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks, we must engage our child to understand what is going on inside. Thus a rich and full communication is needed, coupled with the rod for discipline. Even if you are a parent that does not agree with using the method of spanking to discipline your young child, try not to dismiss the wealth of wisdom that this book offers in terms of biblical parenting.

God's ways of shaping and nurturing a child is really not the world's ways and this book really makes it clear how different it is. It is mportant for a Christian parent/family to 'walk the talk', as in, it is not the church or sunday school's job to lead your child to Christ, but a Christian parent's role and conviction. The book is so insightful and offers practical tips on how parents can shepherd their child, and it might inspire some of us to become a different kind of parent that God wants us to be.

'Shepherding a Child's Heart' is one of the best parenting books I have come across and it is a must-read for any Christian parent.

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